23-08-2019
Barring a few exceptions, the story and the journey for most of the girls goes like this.
Birth & childhood
Right from the day of birth, they are open to a plethora of speculations. What will happen to the poor parents now that they lost the gender game. There is a saying that father of a girl, even if he is a king, has to keep his head low all his life. The mother who gives birth to the girl child starts wondering if she will even be accepted as a wife and a daughter-in-law anymore. There is a continuous struggle for her to “fit in”. To fit in the family and to fit in the society.
She is considered inferior to all sisters and co-sisters for being a “girl bearer”. The girl is treated with a crinkled nose by the relatives and at times even by parents. Their nutrition is seldom taken care of. She is always considered a guest as she has to eventually go to the “other” house. She is brought up with a bias and a limitation on even her toys. Girls are expected to like typical toys like kitchen set and dolls. Even their food choices are limited due to their gender.
I am not kidding, even foods! Pickles or sour foods are not considered good after puberty as they affect the bosom growth. Mothers often forbid their daughters to have such foods. From early days, sitting postures are well guided and so is the walking and talking etiquette. Girls are expected to be soft spoken, their parents forbid them from using foul language. On the contrary, boys are free to talk loose and are often applauded and celebrated at being outspoken.
Girls are advised to avoid playing strenuous games or climbing trees, as this kind of activity might break the seal and hence they won’t be able to prove their virginity to the prospective groom, a boy who was born a year or two in advance and automatically earned a superior status for his birth as a boy.
Grooming for marriage
An Indian girl dreams of marriage as an ultimate rescue, at least she believes it during her first inning of life. They are groomed to become a good wife, even their education is a qualification for marriage, be it medical, engineering, management, or banking. Parents spend their lives’ saving in marrying their daughter off to a capable guy. There is a huge ceremony where parents donate their daughter to the groom and his family and even pay a huge dowry. Ironically, if they had saved this money, it could very well be a good amount to keep the girl going alone, if needed, without any husband support.
It’s also considered offending if that money (dowry) is in the girls’ name. The money and all the belongings must be in grooms name. So, there is a planned, structured system where the daughter is made to depend on her husband for all her financial needs. She has to seek permission from the husband to work. If he allows, he is considered gracious and modern. Even the nature of work and the working hours are decided by the husband as per his values. So basically, the girl goes through a round of unlearning the previous values given by her parents and now learns the values of the second home. Her passport to respect in the society is highly dependent on phase 2 of her life. Let’s read on…
Marriage phase II
Now that she is plucked out from her home, (where she was a guest in her inning no.1) and planted in the new house, she is upgraded from being a guest to be a caretaker. From her early marriage days, she is expected to take care of the in-laws and her husband. It comes as part of the job description of being a wife.
It starts from their morning tea to their last meal. She is expected to wake up before everyone else and go to bed last. Girls parents proudly tell her while seeing her off that they will be happy not to hear frequently from the daughter as that’s considered as a good transition to the new house.
Girls lifelong expectations come crashing down when she gets to know her competition in the new house. The mother of the husband. She has to live up to the expectations of her husband which are mostly in comparison to his perfect mother. Wife is always expected to be perfect like the mother. Even in social circles, the wife is put down by always quoting how perfect mother in the house has always been. The subtleties of language!
So, the girl is back to her routine lifecycle – an ignored, unappreciated person, from the lower wrung of human species.
The full circle and the consequences
By this time the damage is irreversible. But is it? Behold! The woman gives birth to a baby boy and suddenly is accepted as the “Mother of a boy“, an important spot after a long wait. All her life, she struggled to be visible and wished to feel noticed and important and now she has a son who will grow up idolising her.
The attention she gets from the child is the first-of-its-kind. She becomes a complete attention-seeker and finally has an empire with her son as her knight. It was a long wait, and finally a status that is hard-earned. She becomes the ruler of the house and enjoys the win for a long time until…
Well, until the boy is smitten by new love and gets married. And so, enters another woman in the house.
The vicious circle goes on and on where women compete for male attention and fight against each other – one hating the other. The wife is unhappy because of the love of son towards mother and the mother is unhappy for the divided attention.
The wife remains an outsider in the husband’s house and she was treated as an outsider in her father’s house.
With two houses, she ends up with none to call her own!
